


Pretend It's Okay

by krispykween



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: Alcohol dependency, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jade's dealing with his feelings for once, Original Character(s), Panic Attacks, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, he hates it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:48:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28231935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krispykween/pseuds/krispykween
Summary: Some say that the first year of loss is the hardest. Others say that the pain never truly goes away.Unfortunately, for Jade Curtiss, it's both. The problem now is that he has to deal with it in his own way without falling apart.(Takes place after the Tower of Rem)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

_“How many times am I going to end up finding you in a bar like this?”_

_“At least one more, Your Majesty.” Jade peered down at his now empty glass, finger tapping against the lip before placing it down on the bar table. Peony frowned at that response, which only deepened when Jade signaled to the bartender for a top up._

_“And you expect me to drag your drunk, sorry ass out of here? I know it’s only been a year, but I’m emperor now, you know.” That only got a soft snort from Jade, as he nodded in thanks as his drink was served._

_“Language, Your Majesty. That’s quite unbecoming of you.”_

_“Shut up…” Peony glanced at the label of the bottle as the bartender poured Jade his drink. “At least it’s top shelf. I’m just surprised it’s not wine.”_

_Jade raised an eyebrow at him; Peony knew about his drinking habits and that he always shelled out the extra gald for a better spirit than most people could afford. “Your Majesty, do you think I’d relegate myself to drinking the dog piss that most settle on?” Sarcastic, as always. But a little more candid than usual. “And wine is more of a nostalgic drink, don’t you think?”_

_The Emperor sighed, shaking his head at the slight slurring in Jade’s voice. Looking up, he signalled at the bartender to cut him off. “Alright, you clod, you’re getting cut off. And before you say anything, I can, and will make that an official order, if I have to.”_

_With that being said, Peony took a seat next to Jade, making sure that his best friend didn’t reach for the bottle again, so to speak. He did notice that Jade was frequenting the bar more these days; it had only been about a month since the Battle of Northern Chesedonia. Honestly, if Jade hadn’t been there… He had to shudder at the thought of what Kimlasca would have done to his country. Luckily, the Score was on their side. But maybe… Maybe he put entirely too much stress on Jade?_

_...Nah, Jade never got stressed out._

_“...Peony, I am alright.” Peony looked up at Jade. It was rare that he’d refer to him by name so casually nowadays, especially in public. Just how much had he drank before his arrival? “Fortunately, I know how to combat a hangover, so I’ll be ready for my duties in the morning.”_

_“It’s not that-”_

_The Colonel interrupted him, no obvious fear of admonishment for doing so. “Don’t act like you’ve never found me like this before. And don't act like you've never been an instigator. I’ve always been fine in the morning, yes?”_

_“I guess-” Jade interrupted again._

_“Then are you going to join me for a drink, or are you going to sit there and lecture me all night?” Peony sighed again, this time in defeat, before nodding at the bartender. The both of them knew that Peony shouldn't be in the city drinking, but he also knew that Jade, no matter how much alcohol he consumed, was more than capable of protecting him if it came down to it._

_Jade nodded to himself, feeling a little triumphant that he’d managed to strong-arm the Emperor into keeping him company. And he was sure he was the only one able to. But… He really was glad that Peony stayed, as the alternative, he knew, wasn’t the best way to deal with his own thoughts._

_After all, he drank to forget, but he always remembered._

* * *

Jade had to smile bitterly to himself as he peered down at his glass, a finger of amber liquid very inviting to down in one go. He’d been fortunate enough to find a bar in Baticul that had the same whisky that he’d always partaken in, but being in Kimlasca’s capital, he wasn’t all too surprised. Being imported from Malkuth, however, put a markup on the price that even he had to balk at for a moment, before begrudgingly accepting it. 

If Peony were here, he’d say it was highway robbery, emperor or not.

It was a shame he wasn’t here, Jade thought to himself. It would’ve been amusing to hear him complain about it. Though, he might start an international incident if he did, and, of course, he’d be the one to calm the situation down, if it came down to it.

He took a sip, the aroma of smokey malt barley filled his nostrils in a soothing way he was all too familiar with, and the way the liquid coated his tongue in rich decadence and viscosity… Yes, he might have to order more than one glass tonight.

Especially after the events that had recently unfolded. Lowering his glass to look at the now emptier glass, Jade frowned deeply. What was he going to do about Luke’s condition… He had to help him, somehow.

But if the doctors in Belkend couldn’t… No, they weren’t the ones who proposed the theory of fomicry. They only followed his research. _He_ was the one who had to find the answer. He was the only one who could find a solution. And realistically, if Dist were still alive, would Jade have trusted him to help find a solution to Luke’s rapid fonon separation? Probably not. 

In the end, it did fall on him to figure this out. If he couldn’t… What good was his brain for?

“What a mess…” Jade mumbled to himself as he downed the rest of his glass. Yes, he would definitely have to have more than one glass tonight. He flagged a bartender down and politely asked for another. They didn’t know him like the servers in Grand Chokmah, which meant he actually had to exchange words with them. 

He’d been pouring over a notebook he carried with him, writing notes and theories that sounded plausible enough to help Luke, but when he got to actually writing out the equations, all he came up with were dead ends. There were more scribbles and crossed out lines than actual words and numbers in the pages. 

“Seems like complicated stuff.” 

Jade looked up at the server as she placed his glass down on the coaster. He wasn’t too worried about hiding what was written down, he doubted that she understood what any of his scribbles meant, judging by her statement.

“Yes… Quite.” His voice was curt, as if trying to brush her off. He didn’t have time for inane small talk, not when Luke’s life was on the line--

She hummed to herself as she tapped her chin. “Looks like fonic equations to me.” Now _that_ got Jade’s attention, which she noticed. “I have a sister who works in Belkend. The few times I’ve visited her, she’d be bent over books like you are right now. Sans the whisky, though… She’s more of a tea fan.”

Jade, whose back had tensed up at the mention of the equations, relaxed as he propped his arm up on the table, resting his chin in his hand. He offered a small smile, to be polite, but he was disappointed that she couldn’t offer anything of value. He _really_ didn’t have time for this. He didn’t realise he’d tuned her out for a moment, coming back only to hear that she was still going on.

“--I’d wanted to go to the Royal Academy to follow in her footsteps, but the money for tuition… She was lucky enough to get a sponsor and a scholarship; my grades weren’t nearly as good as her’s for anything like that, so I’m stuck with saving up--” Jade cleared his throat.

“My apologies, but I wouldn’t want to keep you from helping the other patrons.” He wasn’t sure why he was being as nice as he was, but maybe she reminded him a little bit like Nephry. She blinked at him before turning a little red from embarrassment.

“O-oh dear, I was rambling on, wasn’t I? Um… If you need anything else from me, my name is Freda.” With that, she scurried off to do whatever task she needed to do. Jade sighed softly, picking up his drink to take another sip as he went back to scribbling equations down. 

He’d find a way to save Luke like his own life depended on it.

* * *

Several hours and just as many fingers of whisky later, Jade leaned back in his seat as he threw his pen at his notebook. Nothing. There was nothing he could think of that could save Luke’s life. He could only delay his separation, but he was sure that the doctors in Belkend told the replica the same thing. 

Leaning his head back, Jade slid his glasses up to pinch at the bridge of his nose. Usually, he wouldn’t attribute his lack of aptitude for solving complex equations to alcohol; there were many a time he’d partake in a drink while studying, with no ill effect on his intelligence. So why couldn’t he figure something out _now_?

A part of him regretted creating replicas. He’d caused too much grief because of it. His professor probably wouldn’t have died, he wouldn’t have put himself at risk and worried those closest to him, and Luke…

Luke wouldn’t have existed. And he’d continue on as a cold shell of a human being, a soldier to the Score's bitter end.

He couldn’t wish Luke out of existence. Not when he’d grown to consider the boy a friend. He didn’t usually get stressed out about much, but when it came to someone’s life that he truly cared about… It was a pain he was rarely familiar with. 

“Still nothing, huh?” Jade looked up to see Freda with not a glass of whisky, but a steaming cup of what looked to be tea. “I figured you’d like something else. If you don’t, I could just get another glass-”

Jade sat up and shook his head, gesturing for Freda to put the cup down. It had a familiar, slight floral fragrance to it, but with a little twist to it. Black tea, with something else…

“It’s the finest Kimlascan Breakfast tea that we have. I mean, sure, it’s more of a morning tea, but it’s still delightful at any time of day, in my opin-- I’m rambling again.” Freda cleared her throat, looking sheepish. “Would you like any dairy or sweetener for it?” 

Fixing his glasses, Jade shook his head again. “No, I much prefer my tea black. But thank you, I do think tea may be a better beverage at this point.”

Freda offered him a soft smile. “Much like Fiera. My sister,” she added, noticing Jade’s questioning glance. “The one who works in Belkend.” Freda shifted on her feet for a moment, as if debating to herself whether to ask the next question. “M-may I ask what you’re trying to figure out?” Freda didn’t think she’d be able to help much, but having someone to talk about what was troubling her usually helped her sister.

Jade, on the other hand, shook his head. “Unfortunately, this is confidential information I cannot divulge.” For some reason, Freda’s dejected look sparked something in him. Yes, she really was like Nephry, in some regard. “But I do thank you for the offer.”

Freda did offer a small smile at the thanks. “Well… Good luck on whatever it is you’re trying to figure out.” She glanced at the clock on the wall, clicking her tongue. “Last call is in about an hour, but if you need to stay longer, I can ask the owner…”

“Don’t trouble yourself, please. I think I’ll retire for the night after this tea.” Freda’s smile widened as she gave a small bow and walked off. Letting out a small laugh to himself, Jade raised the cup up to smell the aroma, before sipping at his tea. 

Only to wince as he pulled the cup away. Damn, he’d burned his tongue.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg I've edited this chapter idk how many times that I think I've memorised most of it at this point. There are a bunch of paragraphs I changed over and over again so I'm reeeeally hoping that this was coherent enough LOL. Anyway, please enjoy Jade being a dumpster fire of suppressed emotions. 
> 
> There are also very vague references on how the Nebilim fight went in Tsuioku no Jade, and will defs be more because I love Luke and Jade's dynamic in it so much. Also holy flashbacks, Batman.

After the events in Eldrant, Emperor Peony granted - no, _forced_ \- Jade to take a leave of absence to get his affairs in order. 

_“If there isn’t anything else to report, I’m granting you leave.”_

_“Your Majesty, I don’t need-” Peony raised his hand to silence the colonel. As much as he hated using his position like that, this was important._

_“Jade, you’ve just gone through probably some of the most grueling missions I’ve ever sent anyone on. And not only that…” Peony, who’d been kneeling as he played with his rappigs, stood to face him. Resting a hand on his shoulder, he gave it a squeeze. “...You’ve lost someone you cared deeply about.”_

_Jade gave him a look, his eyebrow raised. “That’s rather presumptuous of you.” But accurate. Peony had an odd knack for reading Jade. “But I do have to wonder who you’re talking about.”_

_Peony paused for a moment, confused about what Jade meant. Didn’t he care for Luke? Unless… “That depends on who you think I’m thinking about.” He’s learned to play Jade’s mind games over the years of knowing him. Sometimes, it’s easier to get answers out of him like that._

_The colonel looked away, as if trying to hide his emotions. “I lost the Professor a long time ago. I’ve finally realised - no, understood - that..” Seeing his professor die before his eyes for a second time, feeling her fonons dissipate, seeing that look in_ her _eyes… It still hurt._

_“And what about Luke?”_

_Jade balled his fists in his pockets. If he thought Nebilim’s replica was a fresh wound, Luke sacrificing himself to release Lorelei… Now that devastated him._

_He couldn’t save him._

_Peony let go of his shoulder, before giving it a clap. “And this is why I’m granting you leave. Go see Nephry. I’m sure she’d want to see you safe and sound. It might do you some good to actually be around family.” ‘For once’ was left unsaid._

_Jade looked back at Peony questioningly. “Since when have you been an expert on knowing what I do and don’t need?” It was a lighthearted question, but he really did sometimes hate how easily the Emperor could read him. Peony laughed softly at that, shrugging._

_“We’ve been friends for how long? Honestly, for someone who’s as intelligent as you are, you can really be an idiot. And don’t think about not going back to Keterburg. I’m going to make sure Nephy lets me know when you arrive.”_

_“I believe that’s called stalking, Your Majesty.” Peony responded with a boisterous laugh._

* * *

As much as Jade didn’t like going back to his hometown, he found himself flying over to the snowy town in the Albiore. The poor girl was employed by Peony for the entire time Jade was on leave, and he’d only found out about it when it was too late to argue. But with the new fondrives installed into the Albiore during their travels, it was, admittedly, easier to have the vehicle parked right outside of the town rather than have to travel on foot from the port, which was convenient. 

He’d spent several days in Keterburg; he was surprised he was with Nephry for most of it. Their time together consisted mostly of Jade talking about his travels with his companions the past year. He’d talked about how awful Luke used to be, to how he’d changed, and what he accomplished in the short time he'd known him. There was an air of pride in how Jade talked about Luke.

It was still painful, though. And he didn’t mention their professor, yet. That was a can of worms he wasn’t comfortable opening with his sister at the present moment.

“So…” Nephry started, as she poured Jade another cup of tea. They decided to have lunch in the hotel today; there was a private booth by the window, usually reserved for Nephry whenever she visited. At least they’d be able to speak freely. “What are you planning on doing for the rest of your time off? I’m sure if you even tried to go back to your office, Emperor Peony would get mad, and probably kick you out of Grand Chokmah.”

While it was a joke, Jade was pretty sure that Peony would do just that. He had to think for a moment. What _would_ he do? He had a month off, and the prospect of not busying himself for that long of a period made him uncomfortable. He’d never taken leave for that long before, and he wasn’t sure he remembered life before entering the military. 

“I’m not sure, to be completely honest.” 

Nephry couldn’t hide her surprise. “That’s shocking. You always seemed like you knew all of the answers, or at least knew what to say. I’m not used to seeing you so uncertain of yourself.”

Knowing all of the answers… If that were the case, then maybe he could have saved--

No, he can’t think about that, right now. That was in the past, and what was done, was done. Luke had a duty to perform, and he performed it admirably.

“There… Are a lot of things in this world that are uncertain now. The Score is eradicated, and people are going to have to learn to live fully and without dictation.” A free world. It was a little terrifying to think about, even if he wasn’t one to be a devout believer of the Score.

Nephry hummed to herself as she lifted her teacup to blow gently into it. “You’re right…” She peered over the rim to glance at her brother. He seemed… Different. Was it because he had to face his past? Or, finally, had he opened his heart up to others and realised that forming relationships with other people wasn’t so bad, after all? She wasn’t complaining, she felt like she could easily grow to like this version of her brother.

“I was, however, thinking of petitioning to Emperor Peony to resume fomicry research after I come back from my leave.” Jade looked back at his sister, noticing the worried look on her face. “Not in the way you think, Nephry. There are still so many replicas in the world, and I think the best way to help them is to try to understand them. To help them find their own identities. To help them realise they’re humans, too.” He thought back to the battle they fought against Nebilim’s replica, and what Luke had said. “They’re living on this planet, now. I’m sure Luke would have wanted that.”

Nephry watched her brother, eyes slightly wide. Never in a thousand years did she think she would ever hear Jade talk about other living beings as equally important as humans. Nor did she think her brother would ever think of replicas _as_ humans. “Jade…” Gently placing her cup down on its saucer, she gave him a soft smile. “You really cared about Luke, didn’t you?”

Jade opened his mouth, a witty mark at the tip of his tongue. But… No, he couldn’t make a remark like that. Not right now, when this was a relatively pleasant conversation, and not when they were talking about Luke in a higher regard. “...I’ve considered him a friend, yes.” He busied himself by taking a sip of his tea, glancing away from his sister.

“He changed you.”

It was a longer than necessary sip of his tea; when Jade pulled his cup away, half of it was gone. Had he really changed? Perhaps he did, who knows. He could only hope he did, especially in both Luke’s and Nebilim’s eyes.

Nephry tapped the side of her cup, thinking. “And what of Saphir?” When she heard about the news that DIst was alive, that almost gave her hope; it was dashed when she also heard that he was arrested for trying to resurrect a replica of their old professor. “Has your opinion of him changed, as well? You two were fr--”

Jade cleared his throat at that, leaning back in his chair. “Nephry, I can _assure_ you, that I do not have poor taste in friends like him. Especially after the last stunt he’d pulled with the Professor’s replica.” He wasn’t sure what he felt more strongly about: genuinely shocked that Dist was _still_ alive, or angry at the fact that his obsession with Nebilim’s replica drove him to that extreme. “We were, at best, acquaintances.” Maybe, if his path ended up the same as Jade’s, Dist would have ended up a different person. And perhaps a little more tolerable. 

_And maybe_ , if he had the same conversation that Peony had with him, about chasing foolish dreams of the impossible, and nearly _dying_ as a result… A part of him, one that he’d buried deep in his heart, had hoped that _Saphir_ would give up once he realised that Jade wasn’t going to go after him. He couldn’t help but feel a little responsible for that. If only he’d tried a little harder to convince him to abandon their replica plan...

_“You no longer truly smile, truly get angry or say what you truly feel! If the Professor came back, you’ll return to how you were!”_

_Saphir’s_ words rang in Jade’s mind; he shook his head a little to clear it. Downing the rest of his tea, he reached into his pocket to grab enough gald to pay for his part of the meal, dropping the coins onto the table. “If you’ll excuse me…” He moved to stand.

“Jade, wait--” Nephry reached out to take her brother’s hand, who gently pulled it away. 

“I’m going for a walk. I think a bit of fresh air will do me some good. I’ll see you at dinner.” Jade’s voice was soft, a little too soft for his liking, and leaving before Nephry could say anything else.

* * *

The change of scenery was a welcome one, fresh snow glittering under the afternoon sun. Jade took in a deep breath, appreciating the crisp air and he walked through town. As much as he hated being home, he did miss just how fresh it always smelled when he did visit. 

He let his mind wander as his feet did the walking, not aware of where he was going until it was too late. Looking down at the gravestone, Jade let out a breath.

“...It’s good to see you again, Professor.” 

He could feel emotions start to well up inside of him; he tried everything in his power to tamp them down. It wouldn’t do for him to get emotional right now. Kneeling down, Jade brushed off the snow from the gravestone, before tracing the engravings with his fingers. “I… really should come visit you more often. I’m sorry that I don’t.”

Just another apology he couldn’t say to her face. 

“I often think about what you would have thought of me, if you were still alive.” Would she have been proud of what he was able to accomplish? Or terrified of what he did to get there? She wouldn’t have been impressed, he knew that for a fact. 

His heart ached. He wasn’t familiar with the feeling; the only other time he truly felt like this was when Luke…

“I really… Am sorry for the pain I’ve caused with my own idiocy. I should have listened to you from the beginning; I’m afraid my hubris got the best of me. I should have listened to you.” 

_“That’s why you worry me. You mustn't become like me. You mustn’t take the wrong path, Jade.”_

Pausing to find words for the moment as he rested his hand on the stone, Jade leaned against it, head bowed. “Forgive me, Professor. I’ve never been one to talk about my feelings, as you know. Even now.” If anything, he was probably worse now for it. “I want to make it right. The creation of replicas is my burden to bear. But I also want to help them.” Jade fell silent, growing frustrated with himself. With all of his knowledge, and his vast vocabulary, and he couldn’t string a few words together to form a coherent thought of what he wanted to do or say, right now?

This was why he didn’t want to come home so soon after both Luke’s and the replica Nebilim’s deaths. The town already did things to his mind that he did not welcome at all to begin with, but now, those thoughts and feelings have tenfold. As much as Jade hated to admit it to himself, he needed more time to accept what had happened, away from Keterburg.

He wanted to leave now, but he’d asked Noelle to pick him up later on in the week. Perhaps if he sent her a courier pigeon to cancel the ride and took a ferry somewhere else--

“Jade…?” Jade looked over his shoulder to see Nephry behind him, an apprehensive look on her face. “I had a feeling you’d be here.”

He stood up, brushing the snow off his pants, not looking at his sister just yet. “I think… I’ll be taking the first ferry out tomorrow.” 

It felt like someone had thrown ice water over Nephry as she stood in place, frozen. She shouldn’t be surprised that Jade wanted to leave, but for it to be so soon, especially after mentioning Dist… “Jade, I’m sorry for talking about him. I shouldn’t have said anything. Please, just stay for a couple more days,” she pleaded. She missed her brother, but why couldn’t he see that?!

“It’s not because of Di- Saphir. There are just too many memories here.” _Too many old and new ones._ “It wasn’t anything you’ve said, Nephry. You’ve been a lovely host, as usual.” His voice sounded strained, which did not go unnoticed by his sister.

She shifted in place for a moment more, before dropping her shoulders in surrender. There was no convincing her brother when he was like this. “Where will you go?” It wasn’t like Jade went out vacationing during his time off regularly.

“I’m not sure. But I’d prefer it to be the first ferry out.”

Nephry had to think on that for a moment, trying to remember the timetables of the departures and arrivals at port. “That would be… Baticul, via Grand Chokmah, Port Sheridan and Chesedonia.” Did Jade really want to spend the next couple of days on a ferry than stay in Keterburg? Nephry couldn’t help but feel hurt by that. But she was used to it.

“Bit of a long haul trip…” Peony really would kick Jade out of the city if he came back too soon… Maybe he’ll just go to Sheridan and meet Noelle there. 

And it was still too soon to go back to Baticul. He was sure that the royal family, and the city needed the time to cope with the loss.

“...I’ll book you a ticket, then? To Sheridan, or Chesedonia?” Nephry had a feeling Jade wouldn’t go back to Baticul just yet. 

“Sheridan. I can at least meet with Noelle there.” Jade finally looked up at his sister with a small smile, one that he usually put up when he didn’t want anyone to know what he was truly feeling. “I have to thank you, again. You made the visit as pleasant as it could have been, however short it was.”

 _‘Jade, don’t push me away!’_ Nephry wanted to yell, she wanted to hold him tight enough that he wouldn’t leave, keep him here until he had to go back to work. She rarely saw him, or heard from him. But she also knew how he was. He always pushed people he cared about away when he was in certain moods. This was no different.

That still didn’t stop Nephry from suddenly pulling Jade into a hug, face pressed into his chest. She breathed in deeply, the smokiness of Jade’s cologne filling her nostrils. It was almost comforting, like a lit fireplace on a particularly cold, and snowy night.

“Nephry…” Jade hesitated for a moment, before slowly bringing his arms up to gently hold his sister back. He usually was never fond of physical contact like this, but right now, Jade knew it was the right thing to do.

“Will you, at least, come back to visit before going back to Grand Chokmah?” The question was muffled against Jade’s jacket, but it was clear enough. Jade didn’t answer right away, but only held onto his sister tighter. 

“...I’ll try to make a stop back here to see you.” It wasn’t a promise; he couldn’t do that to her. But he’d just finally begun to really accept his past mistakes, but the wounds were still fresh and ran deep. Staying in Keterburg, it would only make those wounds fester.

It was as good as Nephry was going to get, and she accepted that. As straightforward as her brother usually was, the matter of visiting his hometown was always a grey area. She’d only half expected for Jade to come to her wedding and was surprised when he accepted the invitation. And even _then_ , it would have been several _years_ until she saw her brother again.

But after having to deal with Nebilim’s replica… She knew this was inevitable. 

They stayed like that for a few minutes, before Jade pulled away, still just as gentle. “I should start packing, then.” He looked down at Nephry. “But I also will still join you for dinner, on me.”

It really _was_ the best Nephry could have hoped for. She just had to pray it wouldn’t be another handful of years until she saw her brother in their hometown again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: for vague description of vomiting in this chapter
> 
> Also, Jade _would_ be the type of person who taught himself how to lucid dream. he has to have that sense of control lol

Jade almost felt a feeling of relief as he boarded the ferry; he looked over his shoulder to see Nephry waving at him as he walked up the gangplank. 

_“Please, at least write to me as much as you can. As much as I like reading Emperor Peony’s letters, I do still like hearing from you, personally.”_

_“Oh~? Are the both of you still sending secret love letters to each other?” Jade had to put in a quip there; he still knew of both of their feelings for each other. He wasn’t sure what Nephry’s plan was now that the Score was abolished, as her marriage had ridden on it. But he also felt that it wasn’t his place to ask in the current moment._

_Of course, the joke earned him a slap on his shoulder. “Jade!” He responded back with a laugh. It was the first time in a while he’s felt even the remote sense of happiness._

However, happiness, like most emotions, was fleeting, and he felt a heavy weight on his shoulders as he walked to his suite. He had to scrunch his nose at the gaudiness of the room when he opened the door; leave it to Nephry to book one of the nicer suites of the ferry. _“You’re in for a long trip, I figured you might want to be comfortable.”_

Nephry had also failed to mention to him that the ferry he was taking happened to be a luxury ferry for long haul journeys, mainly reserved for nobles returning home from weekend trips to the resort town. Jade wasn’t sure this was a gift for visiting, or a punishment for leaving so soon. 

Jade had a feeling that Peony might also have had a hand in this. _“In case he tries to escape, or something,”_ was definitely something he could imagine the Emperor saying.

He let out a sigh as he tossed his bag onto his bed, shrugging his jacket off and draping it over a chair nearby, as well as his gloves. He wasn’t used to wearing civilian clothing; it felt odd not seeing the regular black, blue and white of his uniform. He had to chuckle to himself at what he _was_ wearing though, it was the almost the same outfit that he’d disguised himself with as he helped Ion and Anise escape Daath. 

That did get him to pause as his thoughts went back to Ion. Another replica he had lost. 

Giving himself a mental shake, Jade busied himself with wiping the fog off his glasses with the hem of his shirt, before slipping them back on. While he knew he should go eat breakfast, he was also sure that everyone else who just boarded would already be filing into the dining hall. He, for one, was not in the mood to be surrounded by other people who would, no doubt, want to strike up conversation while waiting in line for the buffet. 

Maybe he’ll just order room service. 

Feeling the vessel gently pull out of the port, Jade looked out the window, past the town, his gaze landing on Mt. Roneal. How did his professor feel every time she looked out her window at the mountain? Did she have the same pit in her stomach as well? Same weight on her shoulders? She must have. She wouldn’t have tried so hard to get Jade to change, if that wasn’t the case. But… She also always smiled.

_“That’s why this place isn’t just some place where you can see Mt. Roneal. And I bet that meant more to her than the planetary fonic arte ever did. That’s why I believe Professor Nebilim forgives you, Jade._

_“I’m always wrapped up in my own problems. So hang in there for me.”_

Brushing his hand through his hair, Jade let out a soft, derisive laugh. “Luke… You had an uncanny skill for making people feel worse than better, sometimes.” He didn’t deserve his former professor’s forgiveness. Not yet. He hadn’t even come close to atoning for it. As for ‘hanging in there’…

“I have to, by your words, hang in there. Otherwise, what did we fight for?”

Jade took one last glance at the peak of Mt. Roneal as the ferry turned, before digging through his bag for his notebook and taking a seat at the desk. He still had a few weeks off to write up a proposal for starting up fomicry research again. He had to fight for his case, _especially_ to Peony, and to everyone else that was worried that he would go back to his old ways. He couldn’t leave any stone unturned, any detail out, _anything_ that could hurt his chances.

He couldn’t let both his professor and Luke down.

* * *

Jade didn’t realise the time, or how far the ferry had sailed out until an announcement on the loudspeaker in his room crackled to life. 

“We will be arriving in Grand Chokmah in ten minutes. Passengers disembarking here, please make your way to the port side exit. ”

Already in Grand Chokmah… He had to wonder how long they were in the city for, and if he had enough time to pick up a curry. His stomach grumbled softly; he’d forgotten to get breakfast, and the idea of his favourite meal in the city was almost enough to make him salivate. 

...Maybe he will go into town to pick one up. The bar was close to port after all.

Jade looked down at his notebook, scribbles of theses scrawled messily in the pages. Lorelei forbid someone tried to read anything he’d written down in the last couple of hours. Whenever his mind ran a mile a minute like this while taking notes, it was a miracle that _anyone_ could read his writing. He’d have to reread them all later, after he’s eaten, and maybe try to sort through his notes and make sense of it.

He stood up, stretching his arms over his head, groaning softly as he felt the light pops in his shoulders and mid back. “Must be getting on in my old age,” Jade said out loud, a small grin on his face as he heard, in the back of his mind, his former companions complain about how he never looked or seemed tired, or in pain. Dropping his arms, and grabbing his jacket, Jade made sure he had the key to his room, before walking out and locking it. At least, with his belongings on board, he wouldn’t be so tempted just to stay in Grand Chokmah and possibly sneak into the military base. Oh, how he already missed his office.

It didn’t take long for Jade to find out how long the ferry was in port for, and with the hour they were in the city, it gave Jade ample time to get an early lunch inland. So, along with the other passengers disembarking, he walked down the gangplank, making a beeline for the bar. Within the ten minutes of the arrival announcement, Jade started to realise just how hungry he really was. Yes, a nice curry will definitely do.

As soon as he walked in, he was greeted by the bartender, who’d waved him over. “Colonel Curtiss! Back so soon? I thought you were on your way to Keterburg.”

Jade smiled softly at the familiarity and greeting. “I’d just come back. I’ll be on my way out again soon.” He had stopped by just before Noelle picked him, and told the bartender, Al, about his leave. “I’m just here for some lunch.”

“Look at you, travelling the world, as always.” Al gave him a big grin. “Your usual, I assume?” He’d already started writing down an order for the curry on an order ticket. 

“Yes, for take out, please.”

Al gave him a surprised look. “That’s rare of you. No stories to tell today?”

The Colonel laughed at that, as he approached the bar. “Al, I’m beginning to think that I’m just a storybook to you!” The smile that stayed on Jade’s face told that he was joking around. He actually enjoyed regaling the bartender of his stories, or at least, what he _could_ tell him, and with his own twists just to make it sound a little more interesting. They seemed to have the same enjoyment of hearing about them that they would pay Jade back with a larger portion of curry every visit, or an extra drink if it was a particularly good one. He will admit, he missed doing that. It was a much simpler time when he had the time to do so. 

“If the shoe fits!” Al let out a laugh of his own as he put the order through. “In all seriousness, though, why in such a hurry?”

“I’m heading to Sheridan in an hour.”

Al balked at Jade; he’d known all of the port arrivals, and realised that Jade had arrived in that luxury ferry. “Someone’s riding fancy.”

Jade was surprised at the comment, a little confused at how Al-- oh, right. Being the owner of a bar so close to port, it was his business when he would have the highest customer turnover. “Yes… I think it was a punishment from either Viscount Osbourne, or His Majesty, for me leaving Keterburg sooner than anticipated.” He waved his hand at the confusion on Al’s face. “Don’t worry about it.” But he thought back to the ferry passenger arrivals, which reminded him--

“It’ll be done in a bit. I know how much you hate the crowds here. But while you wait, some tea?” Jade flashed Al a smile.

“Tea sounds lovely.”

* * *

Jade managed to leave the bar just as soon as it started getting busy, but not before leaving a rather large tip and a good luck to Al. His curry in hand, Jade quickly walked back up to the ferry, and into his room. He was glad that the bartender didn’t want to talk too much; while he didn’t mind exchanging pleasantries, he just wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. He mostly blamed it on the hunger, as he sat by his desk, opened the box and breathed in. In all of the cities and towns he’s traveled to, he just couldn’t find a curry as good as this one, and even though he had the recipe, it just never turned out the same. 

He looked back into his notebook as he started to eat, tapping the page with the end of his pen. It was the budget that was going to affect this proposal. The facilities, resources, training… He really would have to think that one through. 

He vaguely heard the announcement come on as they embarked to their next port stop. He’d just as vaguely heard something about a slight detour in their voyage, something about stormy waters, and that it will only delay the trip by a couple of hours. Jade already knew this trip would take at least two and a half days, at least, but at least that gave him two days at a desk and little interruptions to figure out his plan.

It’s well past afternoon that Jade gets up from the desk to stretch again, before picking up his notebook to read his notes, like earlier that day. Without looking up, he shuffled over to a side table near the window, absentmindedly pouring himself a glass of water. Jade realised just how parched he was when he stopped writing. Pulling his eyes away for one moment to drink, Jade looked over the edge of his glass and through the window. What he saw nearly made him drop everything as he stared, wide eyed, at the very distant, but very distinct ruins of Eldrant.

What were they doing here, this wasn’t in the voyage route. Unless...

_“We will be taking a small detour through Tataroo Valley Inlet due to stormy weather. This will delay our trip by two hours. We apologise for the inconvenience.”_

Damn, Jade wished he paid attention to those announcements earlier. Shakily, he put both his notebook and the glass down, as he took deep breaths to calm himself. It wouldn’t do to have a panic attack right now. 

_‘Breathe in.’_

Jade tried to focus on the feeling of air filling his lungs as he took a deep breath in, and holding it for a few seconds.

_‘Breathe out.’_

The same effort was put into focusing on slowly breathing out. He had to calm down.

_‘Breathe in.’_

Jade’s breath hitched in his throat as he remembered running through the crumbling halls of Eldrant as they made their escape.

 _‘Breathe_ _in_ _.’_

The memory of Luke’s final words rang in his ears, the acceptance of death tainting his voice.

_‘Breathe, dammit!’_

The memory of seeing that beam of light piercing the sky as they looked back at the ruins, the feeling of seventh fonons dissipating from the area, the weight of knowing that they may never see Luke again all hit Jade like a bag of bricks. He shuffled backwards towards his bed, falling back onto it as the back of his knees hit the edge of the mattress. That only served to knock the wind out of Jade, which only made his breathing more laboured as he tried his hardest to calm his nerves.

Resting his hand on his chest and feeling it rise and fall quickly, Jade stared up at the ceiling, desperately searching for something to focus on. Red eyes fixated on tracing the patterns on the ceiling medallion. 

_‘Breathe in. Breathe out.’_ Jade repeated the mantra in his head slowly, following the rhythm, his eyes still following the intricate patterns on the ceiling, taking in every cracked imperfection of the antiqued gold paint. _‘Breathe in. Breathe out.’_ He didn’t dare close his eyes, not when he knew what he would see behind his eyelids. _Who_ he would see.

_‘No. Breathe in. Don’t think about him. Breathe out.’_

He could hear his heartbeat in his ears, loudly thumping, like drums. What did Luke feel when he released Lorelei? Was he in any pain? He had to have been scared--

_‘Do NOT think about him. Breathe in. Not right now. Not yet. Breathe out.’_

He couldn’t save--

_‘STOP.’_

Jade suddenly sat up, chest heaving as he broke out of his thoughts. He couldn’t fixate on what ifs, on things that have passed. It served him no purpose. Leaning forward, resting his elbows on his knees, Jade stared blankly at the floor. His breathing was still heavy and ragged. Brown hair curtained his face as he sat hunched over, repeating the mantra in his head as he breathed in and out, until eventually, his breathing started to slow and even out.

The Colonel had no idea how long he’d been sitting like that, but the stiffness in his back that wiggled through the haziness of repeated mantras and suppressed thoughts told him that he should move. Glancing at the window through the strands of his hair, Jade noticed it was closer to early evening now; the sun was definitely setting. They had to be closer to open waters now and not the inlet; Jade sat up and arched his back in an attempt to relieve it. All he could see outside was water, the setting sun reflected in the gentle waves on the horizon. 

It’d been a while since the last time he suffered from a panic attack, and through the years of being in the military, with everything he’s seen and done, he’d become very good at distracting himself enough that he forgot about the encroaching assault on his mental state. Sure, every so often, he’d feel that slight tremor in his hands as he tightly gripped his spear, his heart beating so hard that he could feel it throughout his entire body, but those were signs he pushed down. And they always passed. As would this one, too. 

He needed a drink.

* * *

Not wanting to be around any people for the rest of the night, Jade had ordered a bottle of wine and a charcuterie board to his suite. He was still feeling a little jittery from earlier, but calmer. Or maybe he was just ignoring it, even he didn’t know.

It was only supposed to be one glass. But one soon turned to two, and in between eating the fruits, cheeses, meats and crackers from the board, he ended up drinking the entire bottle. It was nowhere near the kind of wines he’d have from Peony’s private collection, but it was passable for even the highest of nobles on the ferry. A cheap wine, by their standards, but a treat for the middle class. The almost unattainable for lower class. Jade always found it fascinating that one could judge someone’s status by the fermented grape juice they drank.

But it still did the trick, and it was easier to drink than whisky. He sat on his bed, back against the headboard as he held the last glass of wine in one hand, and flipped through a book in the other. The feeling of drunkenness clouded his mind and numbed the anxiety in a warm blanket shoved in the corners of his deepest, darkest thoughts. It felt as if his body was swimming, swaying back and forth, but that might have just been the ferry against the waves of the ocean. Oddly enough, he was more aware of his surroundings than usual, his senses heightened even while inebriated. That’s what annoyed Jade about himself; no matter what he did, he just couldn’t… Switch off. His body was relaxed, and his mind numb, but it was like his brain _made sure_ he wouldn’t forget that he was there when all he wanted was to fade into obscurity for the moment.

Tossing the book aside, Jade downed the last of the wine. He could feel the anxiety try to claw through the haze, but he pushed it back. He momentarily thought about ordering another bottle, but quickly dashed that thought away. No, one bottle was more than enough for the night. It was just a shame he finished it so soon.

He looked down at his now empty glass, the edges stained with merlot red. He could still smell the fragrance of oak and black cherries hanging in the glass, and taste the soft tannins coating his mouth with undertones of vanilla. It was almost too tempting to get another bottle.

“No,” Jade said out loud to himself, affirming that decision. Gently putting the wine glass down on the bedside table, he stood slowly, a bit wobbly as he waited for his bearings to realign, before shuffling over to pour himself a glass of water, and downing it. He knew his body would thank him in the morning for it. Pouring himself another glass, Jade took it to his bedside table and slid down the wood surface. He’d need that throughout the night, he was sure. 

The drowsiness of his drunken state was starting to catch up with him, and after taking the moment to turn off the lights, and slip into bed, he took his glasses and set them aside, before slipping into restless sleep.

* * *

_It was always the same, this nightmare. The pain all over his body, the feeling of blood as it oozed from his wounds, the voice._

_Jade knew it was a dream. He would wake from it, eventually. He just had to ride it out, as it was easier than fighting it._

_An upward slash from the demonic, pulsating sword cut his chest open; this wasn’t new. He fell backwards without a word or sound. He wouldn’t let his subconscious get the best of him like this. Not when he’s seen it so many times._

_The sword blade was driven into the ground by his head, the blade still pulsating. Jade glanced at it, smiling grimly to himself._

_“My, my, what is so amusing?” The voice of Nebilim’s replica spoke, as she floated over his body. She wasn’t his professor. There was nothing that could convince him otherwise, not anymore._

_“I’m just wondering to myself if you have any other tricks. This is getting quite old.” Jade didn’t look up, eyes glued to the blade. It was easier to ride out the nightmare this way._

_Feet landed on either side of him, then knees; this part, he always disliked. Grimacing, Jade braced himself for what was coming next as hands wrapped around his neck, thumbs pressing into his throat hard. There was no struggle, just an acceptance and hope that this would be over soon._

_“Then why don’t you just_ die _.” That voice was new._

_Eyes wide, Jade looked up at Luke; his face contorted in a sort of anger he’d never seen before from him. He wasn’t prepared for this. Jade’s hands came up to claw fruitlessly at Luke’s hands as he silently pleaded for the replica to stop. He could feel his windpipe getting crushed as Luke only tightened his grip on Jade’s neck._

_“Die, Necromancer.”_

* * *

Red eyes snapped open as Jade jolted awake from his nightmare, pushing himself up on his elbows. Breathing ragged, he reached over to grab the glass of water he set out earlier. His hand was shaking; Jade had to be thankful for not turning on the bedside lamp so he couldn’t see himself unravelling. He couldn’t remember the last time was so unnerved by that particular nightmare, and _of course_ his brain would take the freshest wound and rip that open. 

It only took a couple of minutes and gulps of water before Jade’s stomach lurched; grabbing his glasses and slipping them on, he rushed to the bathroom, stumbling over to the toilet before retching in it. He was suddenly regretting drinking the entire wine bottle. 

What seemed like hours, Jade finally stopped heaving, as he pulled himself away from the porcelain to lean against the wall in the dark. By some miracle, he didn’t let go of his water glass, or spill any of the contents as he rushed into the bathroom, and used that to rinse his mouth out before flushing the toilet. The Colonel’s face was flushed, sweat beading at his brow, making his hair stick to it, but he didn’t move to clean himself up just yet. 

“Ugh…” Jade pressed the heel of his free hand to his forehead in a futile attempt to stop the pounding in his head. He should have known better than to drink so much after a panic attack, but it seemed like a _great_ idea at the time. Dropping his hand and leaning his head against the wall, he stared off in the dark. 

“What a waste of good wine.” It was his only lamentation; he refused to think about what his nightmare was about, nor did want to think about the anger and hatred he saw in Luke’s eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Score one for Jade's panic attack bingo. Let the unravelling begiiiiin. He's also a wine dinosaur.
> 
> My two week self-quarantine ends today and I'll be heading back to work tomorrow, so updates may or may not be a little slower from here on out, just a head's up! But hopefully this longer chapter will make up for it!
> 
> Also Merry ~~crimmis~~ ~~crisis~~ ~~Chrysler~~ Christmas, everyone!!
> 
> Also, if it's customary, always tip your bartenders and servers, they're great people <3

**Author's Note:**

> This... Ended up evolving into a different thing than I originally anticipated, as well as it *was* supposed to be a companion one off piece to something else I'm working on. Oops. I've literally done nothing during my two week self-isolation than re-watch Tales of the Abyss, and consuming every bit of translated media LMAO help me I need to go back to work. 
> 
> But please, enjoy Jade having feelings and not being able to figure out what to do with them. This most likely will take place up until Luke comes back, and depending on where it ends up, maybe a little after that. Also note that every chapter will most likely start with an italicised flashback of sorts!


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